


Men of War

by fongia



Series: A Life Well-Lived: A Collection of Marvel Works [3]
Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Avengers: Endgame (Movie), Avengers: Endgame (Movie) Spoilers, Character Death, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-01
Updated: 2019-05-01
Packaged: 2020-02-10 17:07:23
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 923
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18664696
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fongia/pseuds/fongia
Summary: ENDGAME SPOILERS WITHIN-He knows that Steve was an artist and that Barnes was lousy at it. Steve drew him once as Barnes was standing in the setting sun, captured his steely gaze staring into the sunset some kind of movie star. Barnes sees it superimposed in his mind when he looks in the mirror sometimes, and he wonders if he’s so far gone from Bucky that it’s wishful thinking.





	Men of War

**Author's Note:**

> ENDGAME SPOILERS BELOW
> 
> -
> 
> Generator Goddess, wise as she is fair, granted me three words: forgiveness, death, cemetery.
> 
> I didn't quite follow the prompt, but whatever, it's late and I'm tired.

There was a time before Captain America and the Winter Soldier.

 

Barnes knows this. He knows that Steve was fragile once, lashed out at the world like he had something to prove. He knows that Steve once held aluminum in his hands like a vision of some knight from a fairy tale, a knight with no weapon but his bruised knuckles and twice the balls. 

 

He knows that Steve was an artist and that Barnes was lousy at it. Steve drew him once as Barnes was standing in the setting sun, captured his steely gaze staring into the sunset some kind of movie star. Barnes sees it superimposed in his mind when he looks in the mirror sometimes, and he wonders if he’s so far gone from Bucky that it’s wishful thinking.

 

Barnes isn’t whole, he doesn’t think he’ll ever be. He’ll never be the Bucky that Steve remembers. It doesn’t mean he doesn’t try, but he’s tired of slicing his fingers on the jagged edges of memories shattered by HYDRA.

 

Barnes sees when Steve gets frustrated at him. He sees the disappointment in Steve’s eyes when Barnes misses a reference or doesn’t laugh at a joke. Steve is always understanding, because of course he is, but the serum didn’t make him perfect. 

 

He’s not Bucky, he’s not the Soldier, he’s just Barnes, and he doesn’t even know if that’s enough. 

 

Bucky could never hate Steve. But Barnes starts feeling that hot pit of something wicked in his stomach that sets him ablaze. He wants to punch Steve sometimes, to shake the man until he realizes that Bucky is gone. Bucky is gone, and all Barnes want to do is leave this life of expectations and war behind him. 

 

Even going back into the ice couldn’t save him. The cold embrace was a familiar one; oblivion was far better than the mess he returned to, but if there’s anything that being the Soldier taught him, it’s that there’s always a fight. Barnes can’t ever leave. He can’t ever put the weapon down, use his arm for something other than destruction because Barnes was once the Soldier, and the Fist can do a lot more for the world as a weapon than a man.

 

So, he fights. He follows Steve into battle and covers his six because even if they haven’t spoken since defrosting, he still cares enough for the idiot that thinks the serum makes him invincible. 

 

And then, nothing. He remembers seeing Steve reaching out for him and the panic in his eyes, feels himself reaching back. And then he’s back, and there’s another war, and he follows Steve into battle again because even if he found some hammer, Steve fights with honor, like life would follow the rules of some goddamn fairy tale. 

 

It’s after it all when they get a chance to talk.

 

Steve mentions Peggy, and Bucky remembers armor of perfect hair and blood red lips before he remembers the woman behind it all. 

 

When Steve says goodbye, Barnes knows. He knows where,  _ when _ , Steve is going. Barnes clutches at Steve in the first hug they’ve ever had as the Captain and the Soldier, and Steve holds him tightly. Steve can’t ever be satisfied with Barnes, he can’t ever get back the brother he lost.

 

But he can have Peggy. And some hidden part of Barnes aches knowing that there won’t be some scientific miracle giving either of them another chance at life. Once Steve leaves, he won’t be coming back the same, if he does at all. 

 

It’s another one of those infinities in a split second when they meet again. It’s something like being frozen, leaving the world behind only to find it all changed upon return. Barnes is the same, but Steve is not. 

 

Steve is old. He’s old, and tired, but no less the Captain he was before the jump.

 

After Sam gets the shield, Barnes sits down and they sit in silence.

 

Steve has this faraway look in his eyes as they sit together in the sunset, and Barnes can’t help but see the subject reflected on its artist; a man staring into the distance like some kind of movie star, some kind of hero. He’ll always be the Captain.

 

As Barnes looks at his reflection in the water, he wonders if he’ll ever be something than the Soldier. The serum is supposed to enhance everything that is good and bad, make it better and worse. He doesn’t know what the serum made him.

 

They don’t speak, and that is Barnes’ biggest regret.

 

Barnes leaves on a trip around the world. The universe is saved, and there’s nothing tying him to the Avengers. Nobody sees him off, but Barnes swears he sees a figure at the windows as he drives off.

 

Steve passes away a few years later. Barnes makes it to the funeral and hides in the back. It’s easy enough to blend in the shadows until everyone leaves. 

 

By the time he approaches the grave, Barnes feels tears running down his face. He doesn’t wipe them away, lets himself be sad for the first time in what feels forever and mourns a friend he lost and never got back. They were brothers once, and they weren’t even on speaking terms before the end.

 

Barnes wishes he knew Bucky better. He wishes that he tried to salvage the memories he had left. He wishes, he wishes.    
  
Steve is gone, and nothing but the hollow anger he once held for the man is left. 


End file.
